Not much to say. I have been missing a lot of dance lately which sucks. I have a serious of mixed emotions. 

I am in need of something really good to happen. But really!

Hello. Things have been blah. I feel bad always being negative about everything but lately its really hard to stay positive. I gained ten pounds from binge eating so much, I ran into another car, I am danceing horribly. I feel like i am being lazy in dance like not trying as hard as i could. I am just so angry at myself, I skipped two classes. I am just doing so many things wrong and I hate myself. I am again just sitting by myself in the library. I feel like I am just so bored all day, i don't say much and the things we do in class are usually so pointless. I need to get back into loving exercize and not getting so stressed out about being perfect and pushing myself to the limit. I want to literally cry right now. I feel like i am a failure at everything. I just want to lose weight, be an amazing dancer and move to new york city. At this point its hard to even fake to the few people that do talk to me that I'm not sad. I literally have nothing to say at this point and i want everything how it used to be when i had a best friend and where i weighed 125 lbs. I want to be as determined as i used to be and as hopeful and was happiest i have been in a long time. But ofcoarse when things begin to go right, everything just fell apart all at once. I feel tierd. Tierd of everything in my life, for having such a privleged life why am i so unhappy? I know its all a mindset thing, but its really hard for me to change the way i think. I guess to end this negative post i will do what i always do and clear my mind, remember my love for dance, push all the crap bothering me behind me, and remember why i am here. I need to just restart, and be positive. GAHHHHH.

A New Day. Big Dreams. Can it ever happen?

Everyday is a new day. A new day to become stressed about food or a new day to hate my body. I really don't even think i can write about food right now because it is stressing me out so much. I have recently lost my phone, and i almost think there was a reason for this. Not haveing a phone caused me to not have to talk to people, it helped me not sit around waiting for a text that would never come. Although i want to find it, I think its good being seperated from the social cyber world for a little bit. I don't have much on my mind. I feel i did awful in dance last night, and that i was getting really upset with myself. I feel I just keep getting worse at dance and that everyone else is continuously getting better. I am sweating so much right now, and i need to go cool off before my next class. I think I'm ready for a change in my life. I think I'm ready for a new start or a new begining. All these ideas are just distant dreams i hope will one day become reality. <3

xoxoxo Madison

Everything Happens for a Reason I guess...

Hello,

A lot has happend since i last wrote. I am now sitting in the library during lunch and waiting for the bell to ring. I learned a lot of things i had no idea my best friends thought about me. I realized people think i make everything about me and that i can't let go of my past and it drags everyone else down. I guess everything they say makes since, I can't see myself from the outside, so i have no idea how i come off to others. It makes me sad because i never intended to make anything about me, and i really did care about my friends. I think i make it seem like i don't care just in case they were to leave me, just like the past expiereineces i have had. I wish instead of only talking via phone, I actually got a chance to talk things out with Delanie. I saw a very different side of her that i had no idea about. My first instinct when i knew there was conflict was to avoid the situation all together, everyone just viewed that as me being overly dramatic. I can see how i look dramatic but really i just can't deal with this kind of stuff. I know its never the awnser to just run from everything that comes along, but its easiest for me. I wish a lot of things had happend differently but unfortunately they didn't. I think my trust issues and insecurties really get to people and annoy them. I guess in reality i did trust dealnie mabey a little more than i should have. mainly because telling her all i am really feeling just ended up biting me in the ass in the end. Mabey everthing was my fault and i wish i could go back and say sorry. But at this point i feel like anything i say or do can't affect the situation. I realize everyone has problems and the funny thing is i want to be a therapist so i love when people confide in me and i can give them advice, but my friends all beleived i wasnt there for them and that i forget to realize they have there own problems. I guess i thought i was there for them, but i will be the first to admit I'm probably wrong. I'm not going to wright about how I did nothing wrong and that they aren't my friends for no reason,  because I have to be honest with myself. I realize a lot of this is probably my fault, and I guess all i can do is learn from my mistakes and move on. Unfortunately I am not really ready to move on. I think I put to much time and energy into delanie, thinking we were really alike, and that we were extremely close. I didnt know all of things she really thought about me, and it made me sad it all came out at once and i never really got to say goodbye or say sorry or really understand why things were happening. I think the more i think about things, the more i realize that mabey this happend for a reason. Doesn't everything happen for a reason? I mean i know i can't understand the reason for all of this to happen at once, but I know I can look back in the future and understand why all of this occured. I have been pretty sad letely, and Its hard not having anyone really to talk to, but I am going to try and stay positive. I can use this time to better myself, dance my heart out, and learn from everything that happend. I think I just want to add that I am truely sorry for all the mistakes I made, and that I need to work on showing that i truely care about other people. I am now just waiting for the good thing that usually follows the bad. I hope you all really show your friends how much you care about them.

Lunch will soon end and I have chemistry and B.I.M class. I am having trouble staying positive and am having problems with eating like usual, but i have a lot of other things on my mind right now. I hope i can figure out how to be a better friend and person and I know things will get better. :)

I miss you.

Its weird to think two years ago, i was an innocent 8th grader. I was so excited for highschool, and now i can't wait to get out. All that happend in highschool was ten times worse than anything i expierenced in middle school. Looking back, i never would have thought my best friends soon would be the people i look past in the hallway. I thought Sam and I would be friends forever. I loved everything about sam, I had the most fun with her. I could be myself around sam. We were like sisters. Her faimily took me in as if i was one of there own. I barely ever fought with her and have the best memories made with her. It goes to show, even the people you put complete trust in won't always be there for you. Whether we just parted, or we both changed, or i became too depressed, sam and i are no longer friends. I still to this day sometimes just miss being able to call her whenever. Or just go to her house and feel like i was part of the family and have a feeling of being accepted. I will never have a friend exactly like her again. Mainly because i don't put my trust in peopke like i did sam. Losing her hurt, and causes me to hold back a little more with each friend that comes my way. If friends aren't forever and my family isn't always dependable, who do i put my trust in?

Why does food control my life...

March 21, 2012

I sit in English class feeling down. I binge ate last night an this morning and I'm wondering why. I was doing so well on Monday and almost all of Tuesday. Something comes over me where I give up and run to the pantry when I'm stressed or anxious or sad. The day after I binge eat I always feel horrible. I feel sik, and sad and mad at myself. So today is not te best of days as you can imagine. I have gained five pounds and it's making me a mess. I think I binge ate last night just because I was so upset from what the
Scale said. It's so hard to deal with food. I feel like it
Controls my life and my moods. I feel out of control when I'm binge eating and I feel sad and down the days following. I wish I could give up food forever, but I have to eat to live and that's why it's hard to control myself when I try to eat normal amounts. I need to lose weight and I need a diet plan with exactly what to eat. I need to take control of food and stop letting it control my entire life. I have to work on some dumb writing summery. Xoxoxo
Madison

February 17, 2012

I remember a lot of things as a child. I realize a lot of things i thought were normal simply werent. I always feel bad feeling sorry for myself because I am so fortunate in so many ways. But sometimes its hard to remember how lucky I am for all that i have. Ive grown up learning how to constantly think negatively. I realize with everything I do I constantly think of the negative. I feel as though I am sad theses las couple of days. Feeling like I'm sinking back into a familiar dark hole I have been stuck in many times before. I just feel as though I am not good enough. I am binge eating, skiping pushups, probably not doing the absolute best i can in dance class, everything about me i feel isnt good enough.  I can't talk to people. I can't trust people. I give up to easily. Theree is so much I despise and i can't help but continuously get down on myself about everything.

 I am currently sitting at a table at lunch, continous noise surrounds me. No one wonders or really cares about what I'm doing. This is my second day writing during lunch and i must admit it feels good to get everything i am hideing inside. Much of what iwrite doesnt even make since but if just feels good to just write words. It doesnt matter what I say its just getting everything I need to say down. Mabey in a couple of years I will look back on these words Ive espressed and laugh because o fhow much I have accomplished since I wrote these dumb journal entries as a teen. I have s many dreams that feel almost as if they can not even come true. I can barely listen to what everyone is talking about, I feel I have in some way become like all these other girls that sit around me. I started this year off a lot different and I don't think I like the ways I have changed. I feel I have become like every other teenage girl. Talking about hings that don't even matter and gossiping about stuff that would probably hurt peoples feelings. There voices make me cringe, literally. I think i have literally siad two words and people dont reall care. I feel discusting. What I have eaten the past days and what my body looks like ashames me. I just want to concentrate on getting back to who i really am. Back to the nice person who isnt so angry and mean. I want to forcus on helping people and being there for others who really need it. I feel I have been selfish and caring about things that dont even matter. I am worrying about guys and sex and the way I look. Its discusting. I need to make a change in my life and get my ass into dance mode. They are still talking about this god damn rumor that is mostly not true and not any of our businesses. I said my first words and got rejected. I said mabey this is none of our bussinesses and they all got defensive. I would rather just say nothing at all.