Sunday, November 27, 2011

I keep trying to write, so much goes through my head that i need to get down, but something continuously holds me back. My life is pretty busy most of the time, but that just the way i like it. The busier i am, the less time there is to think about sadness or things that bother me. I have made some new friends this year. Its hard for me to really think of these girls as friends, because though it has been months i'm still not sure i trust them. I have trust issues, and they all know that, but why cant i just let go. Why can't i become closer with these girls and realize they will be there for me. One main reason is, i don't believe any one of these girls would be there for me through thick or thin. I believe high school friends aren't real, i see the way they all talk behind each others backs, and i won't lie i do it too, so do most high school girls. But the thing is when is everyone just going to grow up? When is the insane judging of others, and ridiculing of others going to end? Sometimes i sit at the table and wonder if i would rather be alone than listen to all of this ridiculous drama.

I have been very strict with myself about drinking in the past year. I made a promise to myself i wouldn't drink or do drugs, i would be the one in my family that stays above the influence. I am mad and upset with myself because last Wednesday i did in fact drink. Not a lot, maybe 6 sips or more. I wasn't drunk nor tipsy, but just the fact i gave in even though i knew i didn't have to drink, i didn't have to do anything i don't want to. At first i was very upset with myself and just mad that i broke my promise. But i have realized since then that i am going to make mistakes, and i can not be perfect, I will not make stupid decisions in the future and i can continue to keep my promise to stay sober. Everyone is going to make dumb mistakes and i have to learn from mine. For most a little bit of drinking isn't bad, but for my situation and my families history, I WANT TO BE SOBER. I have proven in the past year that you can say no, stay away from drinking and drugs, and have even more fun with not partaking in drinking. I did make a slip up and i will be the first to admit that i am a hypocrite and that i was wrong, but i am going to move forward with my sober lifestyle as a teenager.

I will try to take the time to wright more,
<3 Maddie x0x0x0x0

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