Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I have not written in forever. I think about righting a lot. I'm not really sure what keeps me from doing so. I have had a crappy junior year. I got my first real boyfriend and have gotten my first real heartbreak. My depression has caused me to have a stress related skin disease all over my legs and i have ripped apart my fingers and started to cut my wrists. I don't really know why things have gotten so horrible. I even started to smoke weed every once and a while. I have gained a bunch of weight and am so extremely lethargic all the time. I think a lot about why i cant just be happy. Why can't this get better. To make things worse because i said i sort of liked this boy in my grade for years my boyfriend decided to ignore me completely and break up with me and not have the courtesy to even tell me. I had to find out from someone else. That has been extremely hard just because he was my best friend and pretty much my only friend. I know i have gotten through things in the past, but from previous experiences i know it is going to be extremely hard and extremely painful for me. I am not looking to getting through this while fighting depression, i just don't know if i have enough energy to do so. I want so badly to just be away from Austin, Texas. I want away from my life, and i'm feeling desperate enough to do anything i can to get that. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I want it all.

hello. it has been a while since i last wrote. I have tried righting several times, but i have just stared blankly at the screen with nothing to write. I am currently in iowa at a dance intensive. It's nice to be away from home. The dance is good, i just feel like i am just not good. I continuously fail at almost every combination and just feel like such a failure by the end of each dance class. I have been screwed over by a couple boys right before i left and continued to have literally no friends. So i can easily say being away from austin has been nice. I wish i could say the pain of losing my friends a couple of months ago is completely gone, but sadly it has been very hard to get over it this time. I really don't know how to make new friends at this point, no one will ever really be there for me. So why bother. I just don't really know the real meaning of friend anymore. I really thought i found true friends, but i was wrong. The hardest times during the day are when i'm trying to fall alseep or if i am alone. These are the times were the pain actually hits and i remember everything.

Right now dance is kind of all i have. And i just want to be good at it. I want people to watch me and feel the pain i am holding inside. I want to show people what i have been through and what i have accomplished. I want people to see the same beauty and artistry that i see in dance. I just want to be amazing. I want to be confident and unique. I have so many dreams as a dancer and i just feel none of them will ever even happen. I have so many things holding me back. I just don't think i'm ready to give up the fight though. Dance has been there for me and i will not let go of it. I hope one day i will be able to show the world all the emotions and feelings i hold cautiously inside.

I just want so many things and i feel i am making no progress at all. I want to be liked i want to be a beautiful dancer i want to be a beautiful person inside and out and i am just not. Its hard to make myself realize some of those things i will just never be able to change. I guess thats all i have to say for now. i am going to try to write more frequently. <3

xoxox madisonl

Monday, May 7, 2012

Not much to say, but i got out as much as i could:/

the school year is almost over and i can not contain my excitement. A few more weeks of sitting alone in the libaray during lunch and then I am free. I'm not really sure what i am going to do all summer. Hoepfully i can get a job and earn some money. My grades have been slipping and i don't know why. I started crying yesterday at my last dance competition. I'm not really sure why but i could not stop crying. I have not done this for a while. I think I am scared. I want to move out and go to new york, but so many things hold me back. How can i get enough money? What if the danceing is not good. What if i am really lonely, even more lonely than i am now. I really don't even like writing about it because it makes me so anxious. I don't know how i have been feeling lately but i know, its been a hard last semester. I am just so scared about my future and i need help. I need something to happen something to just make me happy. A change in my life that is much needed. all i know is i will not go to westlake high school next year. I simply can not. 

Monday, April 23, 2012

Hi. Today is a typical friday. Typical stupid drama is Being talked and bitched about at this very moment. I sit with a blank face with girls I don't seem to relate to. Drinking, hooking up with boys and sneaking it all behind their parents back is all teenagers are into these days. I know it shouldn't bother me but it all does, I think it's stupid, it reminds of so Many memories I try to forget about. I am realizing more and more that I don't fit in with anyone at highschool. The things they gossip and talk about make me sick, and the way they are completely different around guys then when there around me. It's all so stupid and pointless and I hate wasting time even thinking about any of this. I feel like I want to run away and see who will notice I'm gone. I want to move to new York by myself and take care of myself. I want to be living on my own away from highschool and people that I can't connect with. Maybe I am going to fast but I want all of these things to be true. I'm tierd of pretending to care, I'm tierd of the fake smiles an the fake laughs and the lack of matturity. I'm tiers of the pain, and im tierd of wasting my time In high school.
tommorow i will once again start all over again. I havnt decided if ill eat lunch in the bathroom or in the corner of the library, but either way tommorow starts a new day. A new day i must face on my own. I wish i could say this hasnt happend so many times, but it has.

Thursdays the new Friday

Hello everyone! I am stil getting used to this confusing blog website and have been having diciculty editing etc. so excuse the poorly edited posts.

Today i feel a mix of emotions, i am feeling very excited that people are viewing and taking my website seriously,
i also feel anxious and worried mainly because i have just been thinking a lot about how to make my youtube and blog sites positive online help and advice. Unlike the many websites we are all used to,i hope to make mine a place you will feel safe to express problems and things you struggle with so i can do my best to help you not have to face problems on your own.

I want to talk about self esteem in todays post. I have a lot to say about self esteem so i will also try to make a video about ways to improve your self esteem and ways to prevent damaging your peers self esteem.

Believe it or not, many peoples self esteems are greatly impacted by the hurtful things we as teenagers say to one another. Life i said in lasts nights post, if you can try to go at least one day without bashing a single person you will honestly feel better about yourself as a person. I feel when i stand up for others i feel empowerd and a sence of accomplishment, although things are often said behind ones back, they usually end up finding out who said what. One of my biggest problems is my self esteem, i really try to work on it but i have honestly had a poor self esteem for most of my life. And from expierence i can say that things my mom, sister, and kids at school have said trying to bring me down, do actually bring me down. I am a very sensitive person so words hurt me the worst, especially the words "your fat". I encourage you all to ignore the look of someones body and understand that losing weight is one of the hardest things, especially for someone with a binge eating disorder. I don't understand it but when i am sad about being fat and ugly i binge eat and don't through it up. Ofcoarse i have gotten quite a bit bigger since i got the eating disorder.

So to sum all i said up, words hurt, think of those who killed themselves only because of what others said to them. Please if you get anything from reading this long boaring post please try and be the kid that stands up for the kid being picked on or the one being gossiped about. No one deserves the highschoolers that literally pick apart every flaw someone has.  If you struggle with not looking at the postive before the negative, instead of blabbering your negative thoughts about someone to you "best friend" keep them inside and say the first positive thing that comes to mind. Every single person has good qualities, it's up to us as teens to find peoples best qualities and promote them. Not only will their self esteem rise but by just being a good person i hope yours will too.

Things to try to boost self esteem:

So i have heard being a teenager may be one of the worst times of your life.

suicide-lets be open


I have many mornings that the word suicide can not get out of my mind. A feeling of defeat and not wanting to get out of bed and not haveing a reason to live are the things that really get me thinking of ways to end everything. I know i am not the only one who thinks about this but something people in my situation really have to think about is the people who love them so much- not only do i have doubts about anyone even noticing i was gone or caring if i was gone, i must continue to have faith that someone somewhere would care. If you are reading this and have some of my same feelings and don't know if anyone would miss you- i want you all to know that i will miss you, your family, your friends, your neighbors, the upper classman. Its sad to say in the past week and a halph i have heard about at least 5 suicides in my town. This is sad and makes me really think about how although life seems worthless and not worth liveing, i have to cary on- god wouldnt want me gone, he is one person i can have faith that will always love me no matter what. it's hard for me to say he is the reason i have not killed my self already but really its fright and the feeling i might miss something while i'm gone. I have a passion for dance and i don't want to leave my passion behind. That is truely one thing i am not willing to let go therefor i am still here. makeing it through each and every day. If you feel suicide is in your thoughts often. i want you to email me as soon as possible.