Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I want it all.

hello. it has been a while since i last wrote. I have tried righting several times, but i have just stared blankly at the screen with nothing to write. I am currently in iowa at a dance intensive. It's nice to be away from home. The dance is good, i just feel like i am just not good. I continuously fail at almost every combination and just feel like such a failure by the end of each dance class. I have been screwed over by a couple boys right before i left and continued to have literally no friends. So i can easily say being away from austin has been nice. I wish i could say the pain of losing my friends a couple of months ago is completely gone, but sadly it has been very hard to get over it this time. I really don't know how to make new friends at this point, no one will ever really be there for me. So why bother. I just don't really know the real meaning of friend anymore. I really thought i found true friends, but i was wrong. The hardest times during the day are when i'm trying to fall alseep or if i am alone. These are the times were the pain actually hits and i remember everything.

Right now dance is kind of all i have. And i just want to be good at it. I want people to watch me and feel the pain i am holding inside. I want to show people what i have been through and what i have accomplished. I want people to see the same beauty and artistry that i see in dance. I just want to be amazing. I want to be confident and unique. I have so many dreams as a dancer and i just feel none of them will ever even happen. I have so many things holding me back. I just don't think i'm ready to give up the fight though. Dance has been there for me and i will not let go of it. I hope one day i will be able to show the world all the emotions and feelings i hold cautiously inside.

I just want so many things and i feel i am making no progress at all. I want to be liked i want to be a beautiful dancer i want to be a beautiful person inside and out and i am just not. Its hard to make myself realize some of those things i will just never be able to change. I guess thats all i have to say for now. i am going to try to write more frequently. <3

xoxox madisonl

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