February 17, 2012

I remember a lot of things as a child. I realize a lot of things i thought were normal simply werent. I always feel bad feeling sorry for myself because I am so fortunate in so many ways. But sometimes its hard to remember how lucky I am for all that i have. Ive grown up learning how to constantly think negatively. I realize with everything I do I constantly think of the negative. I feel as though I am sad theses las couple of days. Feeling like I'm sinking back into a familiar dark hole I have been stuck in many times before. I just feel as though I am not good enough. I am binge eating, skiping pushups, probably not doing the absolute best i can in dance class, everything about me i feel isnt good enough.  I can't talk to people. I can't trust people. I give up to easily. Theree is so much I despise and i can't help but continuously get down on myself about everything.

 I am currently sitting at a table at lunch, continous noise surrounds me. No one wonders or really cares about what I'm doing. This is my second day writing during lunch and i must admit it feels good to get everything i am hideing inside. Much of what iwrite doesnt even make since but if just feels good to just write words. It doesnt matter what I say its just getting everything I need to say down. Mabey in a couple of years I will look back on these words Ive espressed and laugh because o fhow much I have accomplished since I wrote these dumb journal entries as a teen. I have s many dreams that feel almost as if they can not even come true. I can barely listen to what everyone is talking about, I feel I have in some way become like all these other girls that sit around me. I started this year off a lot different and I don't think I like the ways I have changed. I feel I have become like every other teenage girl. Talking about hings that don't even matter and gossiping about stuff that would probably hurt peoples feelings. There voices make me cringe, literally. I think i have literally siad two words and people dont reall care. I feel discusting. What I have eaten the past days and what my body looks like ashames me. I just want to concentrate on getting back to who i really am. Back to the nice person who isnt so angry and mean. I want to forcus on helping people and being there for others who really need it. I feel I have been selfish and caring about things that dont even matter. I am worrying about guys and sex and the way I look. Its discusting. I need to make a change in my life and get my ass into dance mode. They are still talking about this god damn rumor that is mostly not true and not any of our businesses. I said my first words and got rejected. I said mabey this is none of our bussinesses and they all got defensive. I would rather just say nothing at all.