Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Everything Happens for a Reason I guess...


A lot has happend since i last wrote. I am now sitting in the library during lunch and waiting for the bell to ring. I learned a lot of things i had no idea my best friends thought about me. I realized people think i make everything about me and that i can't let go of my past and it drags everyone else down. I guess everything they say makes since, I can't see myself from the outside, so i have no idea how i come off to others. It makes me sad because i never intended to make anything about me, and i really did care about my friends. I think i make it seem like i don't care just in case they were to leave me, just like the past expiereineces i have had. I wish instead of only talking via phone, I actually got a chance to talk things out with Delanie. I saw a very different side of her that i had no idea about. My first instinct when i knew there was conflict was to avoid the situation all together, everyone just viewed that as me being overly dramatic. I can see how i look dramatic but really i just can't deal with this kind of stuff. I know its never the awnser to just run from everything that comes along, but its easiest for me. I wish a lot of things had happend differently but unfortunately they didn't. I think my trust issues and insecurties really get to people and annoy them. I guess in reality i did trust dealnie mabey a little more than i should have. mainly because telling her all i am really feeling just ended up biting me in the ass in the end. Mabey everthing was my fault and i wish i could go back and say sorry. But at this point i feel like anything i say or do can't affect the situation. I realize everyone has problems and the funny thing is i want to be a therapist so i love when people confide in me and i can give them advice, but my friends all beleived i wasnt there for them and that i forget to realize they have there own problems. I guess i thought i was there for them, but i will be the first to admit I'm probably wrong. I'm not going to wright about how I did nothing wrong and that they aren't my friends for no reason,  because I have to be honest with myself. I realize a lot of this is probably my fault, and I guess all i can do is learn from my mistakes and move on. Unfortunately I am not really ready to move on. I think I put to much time and energy into delanie, thinking we were really alike, and that we were extremely close. I didnt know all of things she really thought about me, and it made me sad it all came out at once and i never really got to say goodbye or say sorry or really understand why things were happening. I think the more i think about things, the more i realize that mabey this happend for a reason. Doesn't everything happen for a reason? I mean i know i can't understand the reason for all of this to happen at once, but I know I can look back in the future and understand why all of this occured. I have been pretty sad letely, and Its hard not having anyone really to talk to, but I am going to try and stay positive. I can use this time to better myself, dance my heart out, and learn from everything that happend. I think I just want to add that I am truely sorry for all the mistakes I made, and that I need to work on showing that i truely care about other people. I am now just waiting for the good thing that usually follows the bad. I hope you all really show your friends how much you care about them.

Lunch will soon end and I have chemistry and B.I.M class. I am having trouble staying positive and am having problems with eating like usual, but i have a lot of other things on my mind right now. I hope i can figure out how to be a better friend and person and I know things will get better. :)

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